Life Changes

Did you ever feel like you were on the verge of something huge? Like the way you were going was not quite right and you were finally realizing that?

I lost my job last Wednesday and I panicked for about 15 minutes until Mike and I talked about it. And you know what? It’s totally fine.

I think I have been on the wrong path career wise and now it’s time to sit back for a little bit, get my bearings again, and then totally change course.  The more I think about it, the more I know this is a wonderful thing.

It has been confirmed by a couple people who’s opinion I trust as well.  And during my meditation times since then, I have actually looking for the stress inside to make sure I wasn’t compartmentalizing it and it’s just not there.

Instead I find peace and strangely, excitement.

Advertisements

Issues, Issues, and More Issues

This has been a rough couple of weeks. I have had to admit that I have been having more depression issues than I was willing to let on. I really haven’t been feeling well since January, and it kind of blew up in my face a couple weeks ago.

Mike went to a therapy session with me to get some of it settled and now my therapist is recommending that I go back to two sessions a week. I would be willing to go to five a week at this point to get me over this hump. Of course I am dealing with my insurance company to let me have that many visits. I went from having 60 per calendar year last year to 20 this year. My therapist is calling them this week to see what she can do.

It’s funny that I have unlimited regular doctor visits but when it comes to mental health there is a limit on care.

UMMM yeah.

It hasn’t been all bad, I have been writing more; two pieces that I wrote have been posted here. I have quite a few more in my journal.

Mike and I have gotten a little closer during this time too. I have realized that I need to more honest with him and those around me about my recovery or they can’t help. I thought I had broken through all of this keeping secrets crap that my parent were SO adept at doing and taught us how to do.

I haven’t had much contact with my Mom recently because I just don’t think it’s healthy right now. Mike has taken  up going over there and talking to her on the phone, which I really appreciate. Funny thing is that i checked my blood pressure on Sunday and it was the lowest it has ever been.

Gee…I wonder if there is a correlation.

I don’t really have much contact at all anymore with my family other than my niece and my ex sister-in-law, and I truly don’t miss it much. The more I am in therapy and the more I remember about growing up, the more I realize what a sick group of people they are. It’s just not something that I want or need to be a part of. Sometimes I think Mike and I should pack up Rocky and go live in the woods up in New Hampshire, which is a place that both he and I love.

Maybe someday.

My Mind

fog-treeMy mind is like a March tree in the fog.
Its display of life is obscured by the cold, wet clouds clinging to the ground.
Thoughts land on the bare branches like birds looking for a place to rest but finding none.
The tree is reaching towards the gray, featureless sky with gnarled, crippled hands.

Eventually the sun will rise and burn away the fog and the world is seen clearly again.
The buds on the branches can be made out as they struggle to burst forth with life.
Thoughts and birds have sought out shelter elsewhere and left this tree quiet and living.

After a time, the tree that is my mind will be full of life again.
The wind of life will blow through its leaves like the sound of gods, calling travelers to sit in its shade and cool comfort.
Once the tree awakens, it will never sleep again.

Huge Steps on the Path

I attended a weekend retreat at our Buddhist Center with Khentrul Rinpoche. First of all, let me just say what an amazing man he is. I had a chance to meet him on Wednesday night first when he sat with our group. I was immediately struck by his innocent yet powerful and strong demeanor.

He is from Tibet and is the abbot of a monastery of 400 monks and 100 children that he also takes care of. Just an amazing man.

The retreat was mainly a two day teaching on the two main types of meditation. I got so much out of it.

The best part of the weekend was after the retreat was over and I, along with a dozen other people, took the Buddhist Vows of Refuge, which is basically a committment to the Buddhist path. It was a very moving ceremony for me. We were each given a new name as well by Rinpoche. Mine is amazing and beautiful to me but I feel like keeping it to myself for know.

After the Vows of Refuge, I was also honored to be given the Red Tara Empowerment in another even longer ceremony; again with the same people. I really have no words to describe that at all. I just know that I came away knowing that I was directly connected to a long and powerful lineage of blessing and knowledge.

After both were over, I took my khata up to Rinpoche to as an offering. He blessed it and then put it over my head and around my neck. When he was finished with that, he cupped my face in both of his hands and just gave me the biggest smile that I will never forget. It was like I was looking into eyes that had known me forever and that were telling me that everything was going to be good and that he was giving me unconditional love to take with me.

Just such a beautiful weekend.

I have added links to explain the Refuge and Empowerment Ceremonies.